Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
whose parrot is this?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
