Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
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becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
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You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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