and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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