So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
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