At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
