my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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