i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
