I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
