some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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