oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
