I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
