I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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