My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
