Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Randomize
