so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
