Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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