If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
