he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
