life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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