You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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