Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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