So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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