I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it hurts more in the daytime
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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