that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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