Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
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the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
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Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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