When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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