Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
