I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
