We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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