I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
