I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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