I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
