She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
