My Higher Power is John Stamos
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
