My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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