my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
sick fucks of a feather flock together
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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