My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
