she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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