Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
