just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
