i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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