Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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