Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We are two peas in an std pod
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
This toilet bowl is my home.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
