You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
