I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Randomize
