Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
