ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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