things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
