Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sext me about skeletons
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
