people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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