Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
