I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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