So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
