you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We need a shit load of segways right now
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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