Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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